Divorce is one of the most difficult situations that anyone will ever have to go through; there is no way around it. Dealing
with divorce in a productive manner involves learning some coping skills. There will be many changes taking place, and obviously
emotions are running high, not only for yourself, but your spouse and children as well. It is easy to feel crushed by the
many emotions and difficulties you are faced with during a divorce, but letting it get to you to that extreme really will
just make matters worse.
In the divorce, often it is the man that does the leaving and the conflict of emotions that
he is feeling at this time can be overwhelmingly devastating. This is true no matter what
circumstances brought on the divorce. There are many emotions to deal with, you may
feel you are walking away from everything in your life, your wife, children, home and
the life you have built. In one sense this may be true, but in reality divorce is more about
change than loss, though you may have quite a hard time believing that at first. The
feelings of loss during a divorcee can be extremely devastating and it may help if you
can look at the situation as a change process rather than loss.
Frequently, when it comes right down to divorce, men tend to have a much harder time
letting go than women. The reasons for this are numerous and complex and may be due
to the fact that men do not always face reality until it is absolutely necessary. In other
words, it is often a habit of the male gender not to deal with a problem head on but to
avoid it until it can no longer be avoided.
At the point that the problems become so severe that divorce seems to be the only
alternative, they often simply did not believe that it would ever happen. Women on the
other hand have a tendency to see it coming far ahead of time, and have usually
accepted the situation by the time divorce becomes a reality. This has a tendency to
make women appear to be unfeeling during a divorce, but it is simply that they
recognized it earlier, and has had more time to adjust. They have done much of their
crying and accepte divorce as the only alternative. This is not the hard and fast rule;
there are exceptions, but it is often the pattern.
There are some steps you can take to help you cope with the many different emotions
you are feeling, and may help to keep from escalating problems with your spouse as
If you have come to the point where you have filed for a divorce by either you or your
spouses decision, or possibly a joint decision, chances of a successful reconciliation are
slim. Let go, do not talk yourself into one more phone call, or one more night. When
going through a divorce, one of the worst things you can do is to delve into romance
with your soon to be ex spouse. This leads to mistaken intent and some very hurt
feelings. If your spouse is of the same mind they will come to you and let their intentions
If your intentions are not to reconcile the relationship be firm but gentle about it, and
leave it at that. There is nothing wrong with letting your feelings of wanting to work
through things be known, but donít push it if your spouse does not agree. Delving into
romantic involvement with your spouse during a divorcee will cause much more trouble
for the both of you later.
Dealing with the feelings of rage and betrayal is another tricky business, but it may help
you to understand that your spouse is dealing with many of the same emotions. Try and
cope with these feelings without emotional outbursts. By approaching problems with
logic instead of emotion, you will find that you will get much further in the long run.
Your children may perhaps be another subject that you are really having trouble with.
Divorce is extremely hard on children, but so is an unhappy home. If divorce is the only
way to bring harmony back into the lives of everyone involved, it may be the right
choice no matter what you are feeling at the moment. Whatever you do, never use your
children as pawns in any way, and let your spouse know your feelings on this from the
Remember, children are just the bystanders in this messy business, and no one
has any business causing them more hurt than they are already feeling.
You may go through some serious financial difficulties during and after a divorce due to
child support obligations, bills, the loss of a second income etc. There usually is no way
to avoid this, but donít let anger guide you in this. Remember, divorcee is about change,
and it may be necessary to change your living and budgeting tactics. If you are order to
pay child support it is not the end of the world; of course you want the best for your
children and that is what it is really for. Many men donít realize that it really costs much
more to take care of a child than what any judge will order in child support. This is due
to when they did have the children in the home, often there were two incomes instead of
one taking care of them. Remember, no matter what amount you are paying, your
spouse is probably struggling even more, financially.
Finally, if you find that you simply cannot work out the details of your wife because of
angry outbursts, or lack of cooperation, donít. There are mediators who can do this for
you and you will eliminate angry phone calls, and discussions that end in screaming
matches. No one wants this, including you.
Though it is perhaps hard to believe in the beginning, things will work themselves out,
Sure there is some loss in divorcee, but if you look at it as more of a change, and
possibly a change for the better, you just may see a bright side to the situation.